By George I think we've done it!!

OK, I take back every whine about the temperature taking..

I finally succumbed to the dreaded thermometer and temped this morning, now to see if I remember to keep doing it...arghhh
Day 2 of the big Nookie House ;)

We heard today we have a chance of a council maisonette, much cheaper rent, but I just phoned them and it looks like they have a no dogs policy in the place, waiting to hear for definite, if thats the case we'll turn it down, I couldn't give my Milly up.

Ah well, I just heard from them as I'm typing this and there's no dogs allowed, I wish they'd made that clearer or we wouldn't have bid in the first place.
Still I guess it means we're getting closer

June already

Time flys when you're having fun, or so they say:)

Trying to make babies is just one long round of obsessing and waiting, waiting and obsessing
I wonder when I'll ovulate
Am I ovulating
Have we done it at the right time
Am I pregnant
Does this ache mean I am
Does this coffee smell odd
Is my period going to arrive

Damn...yes
Wooohooo... no

well I'll still have to wait a bit longer to see. Argh!!

I feel sad

I've been feeling sad for the last few days, partly because my blasted period arrived, that means no baby before I'm 40, stupid thing to get fixated upon but hey, who ever said I wasn't stupid.

I keep thinking of my twins, my beautiful Rose and Molly, it seems so long ago they were born. I miss them every day but I start to find it harder to cry about them and I want to. It's like picking a scab, now I have to really pick at it hard before I can make it bleed.

Maybe they were my only chance for babies, maybe they should have been my only children. Maybe I should stop trying to get pregnant again. I feel very flat and close to tears, but not close enough to have a good wail.

Worms

It's odd really how the inner workings of your body can take over your mind completely when it comes to trying to get pregnant. They say men think of sex something like once ever 10 seconds or something, well I think a woman trying to conceive must think of it every 2, or at least worry about..did we do it at the right time, should I have an orgasm before/during/after/all3, should I have hung upside down from the wardrobe like a bat to keep all the wrigglers in there .... it goes on.
The crazy bit is even if you're "normal" it can take 6 months or so to get up the duff, when you add age, PCOS, the angle of the moon over Venus..who knows how long.

No one tells you how much it hurts

No one tells you it might not happen at all, but you know it.

There were a bunch of starlings on the lawn yesterday pulling out worms from the grass, so funny to watch them tugging away, one had a really long one and kept stepping back and back trying to get it out of the ground. I guess it's like making babies, you never know quit what will happen, how many you'll get and then sometimes they knock you off your feet.

Blood and stuff

Todays visit to the blood doctor was good, I'm to take aspirin all the time while TTC and as soon as I get 2 lines I'm to call and start on heparin injections, yay for being a pin cushion, bring it on I say.

Isn't it odd how despair and hopelessness can turn in just a few hours. Yesterday I felt like I was at the bottom of a deep dark hole with no way out, I had tears and a big dose of the why me's. Today the sun seems to shine (metaphorically as it's a bit cloudy actually) and I'm hopeful again.
I've been told I'm a strong person for how I deal with this stuff, but I don't think it's strength at all, more that if I didn't behave as I do I'd never get out of bed in the morning let alone function in any way "normally".

Paul I know I tell you this often, but I love you very much, you keep me smiling even when the sky is dark. You also smell REALLY bad after Bengal Billys hehehe.

Phew

Scan today shows all clear, now wait till next AF and then we can try again - yay