Worms

It's odd really how the inner workings of your body can take over your mind completely when it comes to trying to get pregnant. They say men think of sex something like once ever 10 seconds or something, well I think a woman trying to conceive must think of it every 2, or at least worry about..did we do it at the right time, should I have an orgasm before/during/after/all3, should I have hung upside down from the wardrobe like a bat to keep all the wrigglers in there .... it goes on.
The crazy bit is even if you're "normal" it can take 6 months or so to get up the duff, when you add age, PCOS, the angle of the moon over Venus..who knows how long.

No one tells you how much it hurts

No one tells you it might not happen at all, but you know it.

There were a bunch of starlings on the lawn yesterday pulling out worms from the grass, so funny to watch them tugging away, one had a really long one and kept stepping back and back trying to get it out of the ground. I guess it's like making babies, you never know quit what will happen, how many you'll get and then sometimes they knock you off your feet.

Blood and stuff

Todays visit to the blood doctor was good, I'm to take aspirin all the time while TTC and as soon as I get 2 lines I'm to call and start on heparin injections, yay for being a pin cushion, bring it on I say.

Isn't it odd how despair and hopelessness can turn in just a few hours. Yesterday I felt like I was at the bottom of a deep dark hole with no way out, I had tears and a big dose of the why me's. Today the sun seems to shine (metaphorically as it's a bit cloudy actually) and I'm hopeful again.
I've been told I'm a strong person for how I deal with this stuff, but I don't think it's strength at all, more that if I didn't behave as I do I'd never get out of bed in the morning let alone function in any way "normally".

Paul I know I tell you this often, but I love you very much, you keep me smiling even when the sky is dark. You also smell REALLY bad after Bengal Billys hehehe.

Phew

Scan today shows all clear, now wait till next AF and then we can try again - yay

Monday Monday

I miss my babies so much, they should have been here for nearly 6 months now. I wonder what they would have been like. Here they are as I remember them, so small and delicate and brand new.

Things are looking a bit better m/c wise, no hospital stay and my hcg level dropped from 406 to 310, if it's around 200 by tomorrows blood test then I can leave having another one for a week - Yay!
I'm starting to feel like a pincushion.

I realised this morning how much I like hanging out washing, there I was in the garden happy as Larry with a basket of damp laundry stood in the sunshine thinking "oh this is a good drying day" I'm seriously getting older!

40 in January, how is that possible. I wanted a baby by the time I was 40 at the latest. Unless I fall pregnant in the next 3 weeks that's not going to happen, and the chances of falling pregnant are pretty slim as this m/c is still going on. Some things are just not meant to be I guess.

Traitorous body

So, as if miscarrying isn't stressful enough.. I go in for blood test on Monday to check hcg level - 597. Wednesday for more blood - 411. Today for MORE blood and my level has only dropped by 5 points to 406.

Bloody traitorous body

So I go in again tomorrow for scans and poking and prodding and more blood tests, plus they told me to bring a bag as they might keep me in over night.
What joy.

I am born

Well... I am making my first posting at least, so thought I better start this thing off well.

I started doing a blog on facebook but found I was only adding things when I was miserable and that was getting a bit depressing, so I'll try again. Then again a fair few sad things have been going on, and I don't want to lose sight of that either, so there will be sad things and not so sad I hope.

If I look out the living room window, over the fence at the back of the garden and out across the field behind I can see little lambs. Theres something about the way they jump around that just makes me smile, even if I can't actually see them jump it still makes me smile because I know they will be.

I'm waiting to hear from the hospital about the results of my blood test this morning, I hope this miscarriage is doing it's own thing, I really don't want a d&c again.

See - sad and happy, it makes the world go round