Good morning lovely people who read this.
I've been a lax poster for some time, will try and do better I promise.

Things are progressing along nicely with baby, my blood seems to be behaving itself and the scan's have been good for the last month. Hard to believe I have over 2lb's of baby sat in me.

Things for me have been a bit less smooth, I was in hospital all last weekend with pancreatitis caused by gall stones, apparently I have a load of them and will have to have my gall bladder removed after baby gets here, it was all looking a bit dicey there for a while that they'd need to do surgery whilst I'm pregnant, not a good plan especially with taking the blood thinning injections. Thankfully my insides have settled down so now I'm on a lowfat/nofat diet so as not to disrupt my gallbladder again. The great side effect of this is that I've already lost a stone in weight in just one week - who knew this dieting lark actually worked!!

Will post some new tummy pics soon

Ops it's been a couple of weeks

And I forgot to update this, so here's a couple of pictures taken today at 18 week 1day.

15 weeks today

Still going on strong, still paranoid, still worried, still soooooooooo hormonal you'd almost think I'm pregnant LOL
I cried watching a dog have to have a c/section on tv....

here's a couple of pics for today

ok, I'll explain about the razor

You see since being pregnant I've been lucky to not feel sick at all with any food but if my hair gets into my mouth I start to gag.
So.... I was in the shower this morning and yuk - hair in my mouth - so I attacked it with the razor (was shaving legs at the time) and cut off the offending clump of hair, then had to try and even things up, it finished up looking to be honest *bloody awful* so I went to the hairdresser for a repair job, the new do is the result;)

14 weeks 1 day

Here's todays new piccy, and my new hairdo..... after an incident with a razor in the shower..........

also scan piccys from Monday

13 weeks

It's weird, I thought once I hit the magic 12 week mark I'd feel better and more positive, instead I think over the last week the opposite has been true and I've had so many negative thoughts about this pregnancy lasting till the end it's untrue.
Every week at the moment seems to be a countdown to the 22 week mark when I went into labour with the twins, I'm hoping once I get past that point I might relax a bit.
Saying that today has been a better day, probably because for the last two days I've had nasty boob pain which makes me realise stuff is still going on in there and therefore less worried. How's that for warped - I hurt so I'm happier!

Now don't get me wrong I am happy to be pregnant and thankful for every day that I am.

Here is todays tummy picture at 13 weeks, I look down and can see a definite difference in the shape of my tummy, the top part is much more rounded, and by the evening especially it's quite pronounced as a baby belly.

Woohoo for 12 weeks!

12 weeks today so here's a new picture, I can see my tummy popping out a bit now sortof above the main fat bit (beautifully put don't you think)
The dog had to get in on todays picture

11w2d scan

I had my scan this morning, all is looking good, plumton ('cos it's the size of a plum) has grown so much in 2 weeks from 21mm to 51mm, no wonder I've been so hungry, and is now measuring 2 days ahead instead of 2 days behind.
All looking good, good heartrate although the tech didn't tell me what it was, and baby was waving away at us.

My 20 week scan is booked for 6th November. Yay!

Time is ticking on

Well here we are at 10w6d today, time is going on nicely and I feel really well.

The injections are being a bit more painful than they were but nothing to bad, I think it's just where the dose has gone up from 40mg to 60mg, more gloop going into me = more ouch!

Now I swear I have a little baby bump, although this weeks picture doesn't show it so well, but it's there, and I just can't lie on my tummy in bed any more it's much to uncomfortable boobs and belly wise which is such a shame as I find it hard to sleep in another position, I guess I'll find it hard to sleep with a crying baby to tho, so all good practice.

I must chase the hospital for my 12 week scan appointment for next week and I also have another blood appointment for next friday.

Here's my pic taken yesterday at 10w 5 d, please mind the odd facial expression.......

10 weeks tomorrow, wow 1/4 of the way there

So to celebrate here's this weeks picture taken yesterday at 9w5d
Can you see any difference yet?

9weeks & 1day pregnant

Phew

I had a scan this morning and actually got to hear the heartbeat and see the sound wave on the screen, totally amazing!
Baby is measuring at 8weeks 5 days and looking great.

I took a tummy shot on Monday so I'll have comparisons over the weeks and months to come. So here I am at 8w5d
Below it is 7w5d picture

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to our beautiful girls Rose and Molly

Mummy and Daddy love you so much and miss you always

xxxxx

Thank you

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Well I had my 1st scan today and we saw ONE little blob on the screen with a flickering heartbeat.
Everything is looking fine so far, obviously the daily injections and bruised tummy are worth it.

Now little peanut please stay put and grow nice and big and strong.

By George I think we've done it!!

OK, I take back every whine about the temperature taking..

I finally succumbed to the dreaded thermometer and temped this morning, now to see if I remember to keep doing it...arghhh
Day 2 of the big Nookie House ;)

We heard today we have a chance of a council maisonette, much cheaper rent, but I just phoned them and it looks like they have a no dogs policy in the place, waiting to hear for definite, if thats the case we'll turn it down, I couldn't give my Milly up.

Ah well, I just heard from them as I'm typing this and there's no dogs allowed, I wish they'd made that clearer or we wouldn't have bid in the first place.
Still I guess it means we're getting closer

June already

Time flys when you're having fun, or so they say:)

Trying to make babies is just one long round of obsessing and waiting, waiting and obsessing
I wonder when I'll ovulate
Am I ovulating
Have we done it at the right time
Am I pregnant
Does this ache mean I am
Does this coffee smell odd
Is my period going to arrive

Damn...yes
Wooohooo... no

well I'll still have to wait a bit longer to see. Argh!!

I feel sad

I've been feeling sad for the last few days, partly because my blasted period arrived, that means no baby before I'm 40, stupid thing to get fixated upon but hey, who ever said I wasn't stupid.

I keep thinking of my twins, my beautiful Rose and Molly, it seems so long ago they were born. I miss them every day but I start to find it harder to cry about them and I want to. It's like picking a scab, now I have to really pick at it hard before I can make it bleed.

Maybe they were my only chance for babies, maybe they should have been my only children. Maybe I should stop trying to get pregnant again. I feel very flat and close to tears, but not close enough to have a good wail.

Worms

It's odd really how the inner workings of your body can take over your mind completely when it comes to trying to get pregnant. They say men think of sex something like once ever 10 seconds or something, well I think a woman trying to conceive must think of it every 2, or at least worry about..did we do it at the right time, should I have an orgasm before/during/after/all3, should I have hung upside down from the wardrobe like a bat to keep all the wrigglers in there .... it goes on.
The crazy bit is even if you're "normal" it can take 6 months or so to get up the duff, when you add age, PCOS, the angle of the moon over Venus..who knows how long.

No one tells you how much it hurts

No one tells you it might not happen at all, but you know it.

There were a bunch of starlings on the lawn yesterday pulling out worms from the grass, so funny to watch them tugging away, one had a really long one and kept stepping back and back trying to get it out of the ground. I guess it's like making babies, you never know quit what will happen, how many you'll get and then sometimes they knock you off your feet.

Blood and stuff

Todays visit to the blood doctor was good, I'm to take aspirin all the time while TTC and as soon as I get 2 lines I'm to call and start on heparin injections, yay for being a pin cushion, bring it on I say.

Isn't it odd how despair and hopelessness can turn in just a few hours. Yesterday I felt like I was at the bottom of a deep dark hole with no way out, I had tears and a big dose of the why me's. Today the sun seems to shine (metaphorically as it's a bit cloudy actually) and I'm hopeful again.
I've been told I'm a strong person for how I deal with this stuff, but I don't think it's strength at all, more that if I didn't behave as I do I'd never get out of bed in the morning let alone function in any way "normally".

Paul I know I tell you this often, but I love you very much, you keep me smiling even when the sky is dark. You also smell REALLY bad after Bengal Billys hehehe.

Phew

Scan today shows all clear, now wait till next AF and then we can try again - yay

Monday Monday

I miss my babies so much, they should have been here for nearly 6 months now. I wonder what they would have been like. Here they are as I remember them, so small and delicate and brand new.

Things are looking a bit better m/c wise, no hospital stay and my hcg level dropped from 406 to 310, if it's around 200 by tomorrows blood test then I can leave having another one for a week - Yay!
I'm starting to feel like a pincushion.

I realised this morning how much I like hanging out washing, there I was in the garden happy as Larry with a basket of damp laundry stood in the sunshine thinking "oh this is a good drying day" I'm seriously getting older!

40 in January, how is that possible. I wanted a baby by the time I was 40 at the latest. Unless I fall pregnant in the next 3 weeks that's not going to happen, and the chances of falling pregnant are pretty slim as this m/c is still going on. Some things are just not meant to be I guess.

Traitorous body

So, as if miscarrying isn't stressful enough.. I go in for blood test on Monday to check hcg level - 597. Wednesday for more blood - 411. Today for MORE blood and my level has only dropped by 5 points to 406.

Bloody traitorous body

So I go in again tomorrow for scans and poking and prodding and more blood tests, plus they told me to bring a bag as they might keep me in over night.
What joy.

I am born

Well... I am making my first posting at least, so thought I better start this thing off well.

I started doing a blog on facebook but found I was only adding things when I was miserable and that was getting a bit depressing, so I'll try again. Then again a fair few sad things have been going on, and I don't want to lose sight of that either, so there will be sad things and not so sad I hope.

If I look out the living room window, over the fence at the back of the garden and out across the field behind I can see little lambs. Theres something about the way they jump around that just makes me smile, even if I can't actually see them jump it still makes me smile because I know they will be.

I'm waiting to hear from the hospital about the results of my blood test this morning, I hope this miscarriage is doing it's own thing, I really don't want a d&c again.

See - sad and happy, it makes the world go round